It's About Nothing.

What does it mean to be a writer? How about a blogger? Does being a blogger make you a writer? Not always. A fair amount of bloggers seem to be curators of web content.  Some other bloggers are copywriters-- pushing products and writing reviews. I remember, back in the wee days of the Internet and web blogs, being a blogger meant being brave and pouring your little soul out to whoever came to visit your corner of the Internet. Some of those people are still around; a lot of them have taken their blogs private. I understand that-- it's a much bigger World Wide Web than it used to be. It's a little scary to write for an audience made up of people you know nothing about--that lurk and troll and maybe leave not-so-nice comments.
So if I call myself a writer, and I fancy myself a blogger, where do those two things intersect and at what point should they not intersect? If I'm not willing to pour my soul out, or I'm not brave enough to pour my soul out to everyone in the free world, then why do I have a blog? What's the point? I guess when I first started blogging, I wanted to share a little bit about my life living in Prague, and whatever else my precocious 20 year old self thought was so profound. (I'd give anything to find that blog again... I don't even remember what it was called, just that it was one of those website builder-things called Homestead, which is still around, unbelievably but seems to be more for enterprise users now.)
Then, my blog was about teaching, or that was the idea anyway. Then my blog was about nothing, everything and nothing.  I've had blogs on and off for the past ten years but none of them really went anywhere and I know that it's because of my own ambivalence, my existentialist blogging crisis. There's always been a why, and yet I find myself coming back again and again. For what? Am I talking just for the sake of hearing myself talk? I can do all this in a journal, and I do except that most of what I write in my journal would be too risky to share here. I mean, it would be a big risk on my part, baring my soul to who? You? No offense but who are you?

Sometimes, sharing and re-reading what I've written is like hearing my voice on video...it makes me cringe and say, "God, that's what I sound like!?"

The fact is, if I wanted to have a blog of substance, I have so many things I could write about but it all involves other people and that's where I get wary. What are the limits of sharing, especially when it comes to my children and my family? If I can't get deep and personal out of respect for those closest to me, then my blogging is not genuine, is it? I could write about these things in general and abstract ways but who wants to read that? Not me. I hate vagueblogging! I want details! I know you want details, too! But I worry a lot about what people think. Not just any people but the people I know...you know, IN REAL LIFE. That I see every day or most days. I'm not a touchy-feely person and attention embarrasses me, no matter how positive. Unless it's my birthday or I'm having a baby. In which case, LAVISH attention on me, please!

It's 10:40. This is the latest I've been up in a long, long while. Yes, while I've been away from blogging, I've been crawling into bed by 10, most nights by 9:30. I'm exhausted. My sleep is shot to hell thanks to Micah, who is actually not a bad sleeper but still, the interruptions are taking it's toll on me. I'm looking forward to summer vacation, and not having to be anywhere in the mornings or get anyone ready for anything.
Speaking of summer, it's not nearly here and apparently, neither is Spring but it was nice enough today for this:

I'm going to take this picture and put it in my [metaphorical] pocket and think about it later this week when we get slammed by a Nor'Easter (rumor has it). 

The Parent Trap

I hate it when my mom friends are hard on themselves for being human. I had an epiphany the other day, in a comment that I left on a friend's blog:

It’s hard sometimes to be the “parent you want to be,” because that doesn’t always jibe with who you really are, as a person. 

It's not a novel idea, or even a new one but it's easy to lose sight of this reality of parenting, when you're in the thick of it. Who I am, as a person, does not always neatly dovetail who I'd like to be as a parent. There is plenty of overlap, of course. I am, by nature, a kind and generous person and that does carry over into my parenting (I hope so, anyway). The problem lies in the ideal that I'm just not motivated to live up to, quite frankly. Nonetheless, I like to make myself feel bad about it, despite my admitted hatred for the same behavior in other moms.  That's the rub in ideals. They inspire clinginess, no matter how quixotic or Pollyanna the criteria are. It's easy to blame idealistic parenting on shiny, happy mommyblogs and other kid-centric media but I think even without them, we have much higher expectations of ourselves as parents than we do of ourselves as just people.
I long ago accepted and forgave myself for not being the person that I wished I was but that hasn't happened in my parenting persona. Why? I guess because the stakes are higher, aren't they, when it comes to our children? I would love to be the person that reads a book in bed, in lieu of turning on the TV. But so what if I'm not that person. I don't beat myself up over it. On the other hand, if I turn on the TV for my kids to keep them occupied for 15 minutes, instead of finding some creative activity for them to do--holy hell, the guilt.
There's another problem here, I've realized. Why do I separate myself into two parts-- the person part and the parenting part? Shouldn't they be one and the same? Not always. As a parent, I try to model good behavior, healthy habits and so on. The parent in me would never smoke a cigarette in front of my children, but when I spent a week in Europe with friends last Fall, I chain-smoked the entire trip. That's who I was before I became pregnant and that is the person I still am, but as a responsible parent concerned not only about setting an example but about my children's health, I pretend I'm a non-smoker. I mean, that's kind of a common example, I think but it's the most visual one I can come up with.
At my core, who I am as a person is the same as who I am as a parent-- loving, kind, generous, thoughtful but also impatient, easily bored, and unmotivated. I wish I could eliminate those last three traits and add a whole bunch more positive ones. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm a bad parent but a lot of times I think I could be a better one. It would be nice to be a perfect one! I'm the first person to tell you that it takes a lot to screw up your kid. I think all of us with imperfect childhoods and imperfect parents can attest to that. Otherwise, all of society would be going to hell in a handbasket, instead of just those unlucky ones who didn't escape the odds.
My goal, though, is to do more than just not screw up my kids. That's kind of a low bar, isn't it?-- "don't screw up your kids." All the time, I think about something my dad says often-- that we are not raising children but future adults. And if I want my children to productive, happy adults, I need to lead by example. That's not to say that I hide everything negative-- I think it's healthy for children to see adults get frustrated, and it's even more healthy for them to see how people handle frustration.  I mean, I get frustrated pretty often, and don't always handle it in the most graceful manner. Sometimes, in watching my children deal with their own frustration, I realize that I need to be better at modeling constructive ways of dealing with emotions like frustration. I suppose that is what I  really mean when I say that I wish I were a better parent, or that there is a difference between who I am as a person, and who I am as a parent. Being a better parent inevitably makes me a better person. Without my kids, I wouldn't have a sounding board that gives me feedback on the effectiveness of my behavior.
My friend Heather told me a sweet story about her son, who is about to turn 5. She tells him all the time, "I love you even when you're being cranky (or naughty or whatever)." The other night, as she put him to bed, he said to her, "I love you even when you're being cranky and mad." I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the idea. I like this story because it just goes to show that kids recognize and accept our faults and love us anyway, so shouldn't we also love ourselves as parents anyway, instead of flogging ourselves for not doing it the way we think it ought to be done?

Winter's Last Hurrah

I swear, it is just a coincidence that my last blog post was written during a blizzard. We didn't have a blizzard today but Winter did get one last wallop in, dumping ten plus inches on us. In fact, it's still snowing. That picture is from 7am this morning, when we already had 9 inches and it is 3pm right now. So, do whatever math you want.

1.  I have another commission for Wake Robin, the small shop, formerly of Briarcliff Manor, that sold my crayon rolls last year. Megan moved shop to Croton and ordered some crayon rolls for her Spring opening. 
2. Kim Werker, besides being my awesome camp counselor back in the day, is a writer and all-around creative person. In her last newsletter, she proposed a creative exercise: write her a letter, describing a fear regarding your own creativity. After days of thinking about it, I finally went ahead and wrote her the letter. If she talks about my letter on her blog, I'll share the link with you all. In the meantime, take up the challenge yourself, or at the very least, subscribe to Kim's newsletter! Kimagination Station Internet Funtimes 
3. Today is the International Women's Day. To honor the day, Pathways Togo published two stories, written by RCPVs that did their service in Togo, and now work with Pathways Togo: The Strength of Afi, by Danielle Naugle, a board member and Dada: The Future of Togo, written by Tamara Mack, our senior coordinator, based in Togo. 
4. Last month, I took The Practice of Writing with Alice Bradley, the author of Finslippy. Registration is now open for the third session and I recommend it, if you want to get started on a regular writing practice. 
5. Speaking of writing, I just finished On Writing by Stephen King. I have never read any of his books, because the one or two movies I've seen scare me enough. But what a great book! The book had me laughing out loud, and I loved his practical, straightforward advice on getting down to the business of writing. 
6. Speaking of reading, I'm currently reading Raising Cubby by John Elder Robinson. I'll be writing about the book a little more next week, when I do my post for From Left to Write but one of the reasons I signed up to read the book is that I'm always interested in the parenting experiences of parents with "challenges." The author has Asperger's and writes about raising his son, who also has Asberger's. I've been trying, as usual, to pay attention to how being deaf affects my parenting, especially as the girls get older. 

I'm out of steam. Someday, I'll post something more than a list and pictures. Someday. (Actually, next week, when I write about Raising Cubby...)

Thinking in Lists

1. I'm checking e-mail obsessively these days, waiting for an important bit of news. 
2. I wonder if we're really supposed to compost produce that doesn't naturally grow in the NorthEast. 
3. At a stoplight yesterday, I thought to myself, "What have I done with my life?" I'm still thinking about the tone in which I meant to think that. 
4. I've been thinking a lot about this quote by Betty Friedan, from The Feminine Mystique: "“The problem lay buried, unspoken for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban housewife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night, she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question: ''Is this all?''” 
5. I live in the honest-to-god country now. 
6. I am writing this standing up. If I sit down, someone will need something from me. 
7. I'm planning to stay in my sweats today for as long as possible but we will venture out at some point, don't worry. 
8. I am trying out Paleo for a few weeks. It's hard but not that hard. 
9. Last night, I sat down with a book that I'm reading for my book group but instead, I got sucked into HouseHunters and Million Dollar Listing. Oops. 
10. I need my sister to come home already. I'm bored out of my skull and the kids miss their cousins. 

Lately: